HEXBox
by reaperofthewinds
Summary: A new craze is sweeping upmarket AM. HEXBox, straight from the doors of the UU's HEM building. Will this lead to mayhem? Captain Vimes thinks so. Cringeworthy Parodies of Technology coming up. CC appreciated!
1. Chapter 1 unfinished, first draft

Disclaimer: I own nothing! - Still in progress. CC greatfully recived.

* * *

It was the latest craze. Everyone who was anyone, Vimes considered, as he proceeded through Stator square, back toward the watch house, seemed to have one. Except for me, he added, with a feeling of smug superiority. He wondered momentarily if the things were entirely safe, but then dismissed the thought. If they were designed by wizards, he decided, he didn't want to go near one. He arrived at the watch house, trudged up the stairs and opened the door to his office. His eyes fell on a large box on his desk. Vimes backed out of his office slowly, and then moved to the stairway. "Carrot!"

* * *

Inside the HEM building at Unseen University, things were rather less quiet than usual. It was 4am, but the young wizards who congregated in the HEM know only one property of time, there was never enough of it. Inside, near the door, boxes were stacked in neat little piles and every so often, a dwarf with a cart would come and collect some. The boxes read; 

New! From the halls of Unseen University, the greatest centre for magic anywhere on the Disc comes **HEXBox! **Never before has such a machine been created. Limited stock, get yours now!

* * *

Vimes was slumped, in his chair, behind his desk, in Sudopolis Yard, listening to Carrot and scowling malevolently. 

"…and so, Sir, I felt that, to increase productivity in the force, we should move with modern technology and---"

"'Modern technology?' This is _magic_ Carrot and I will not have it in the watch! And really, you did not have to do this just because I went to Sto Lat for a week!"

"Please give it a try sir, lady Sybil does approve so, in fact, I believe she has had one installed at your house."

Sam groaned, "Very well, I suppose you better show me how to use the damn thing."

* * *

The Librarian of Unseen University, unlike many of the faculty, did not mind leaving the snug, warm comfort of the UU's many heated rooms for a trip out. He especially did not mind today, he was out doing a job for Mr. Stibbons, and getting paid well too. The Librarian dipped the brush into the paste pot again and drenched another flimsy poster in the gloopy mixture, before firmly affixing it to the wall. Then he reached into some unknown space (he didn't wear clothes) and removed a banana, which he promptly consumed, disposing of the peel over his shoulder, much to the annoyance of the man who slipped on it, but to the general merriment of the watching Ankh-Morporkians. Then he left, heading for a section of wall as yet unaware of the terrific affixing power of a Librarian's fist. The poster left shuddering on the patchy brickwork read; 

The New **HEXBox** from Unseen University. Now with double the ants, work twice as fast as before! Order from CMOT Dibbler & Co LTD or direct from the UU on C-mail: UUdirect.

* * *


	2. Chapter 2 unfinished, first draft

Ponder sat back from the desk, pleased with himself. On the desktop, beside the HEX terminal in front of him, a rudimentary imp-working box was taking place. The new box, an exact copy of which was stationed by another of the lab's HEX terminals, resembled a small dolls house. This was largely because, with the exception of dolls, it was in fact a doll's house. There was even smoke coming from the little chimney. It was time to test the system.

Ponder removed the ant-tube that had previously connected his terminal to HEX, and quickly placed a bung in the end, to prevent the ants from falling out. Then he tapped on the little door of the not-quite-doll's-house and waited. After a small period of time, a little imp-face poked round the door.

"Yes?"

"We are about to start the first test"

The imp nodded in response, and firmly placed a small blue cap with the number 1 painted on it onto his head.

"Ready to send"

Ponder pressed a few keys on the terminal's board. There was a small clicking sound, and a piece of paper with red and green dots printed apparently at random on it fell into the imp's house. The imp immediately picked it up, read it for a moment, and then set of at a running pace for the other house. When the imp got there, it posted the paper through a little flap in the door, and then promptly evaporated in a puff of blue smoke.

Ponder ran over to the other terminal, and saw upon the screen the words "Hello Disc."

* * *

Lord Vetinari stared at the box with an expressionless face. This is harder to achieve than most people realise, but then most people were not Lord Vetinari.

He raised an eyebrow. The petrified young wizard that had brought the box here let out a muffled scream. He had brought the box for examination after receiving a friendly reminder that a duly appointed university member in possession of a HEXBox had an appointment with Lord Vetinari ten minutes ago. Surprisingly all the other members of the HEM seemed to be very busy just at the moment, sorry, love to help but have to feed the... ants, yes, that was it. Consequently the wizard was panting, having heard of what happened to those who kept Lord Vetinari waiting. Mainly they were detained at his lordship's pleasure, and usually that pleasure involved entertaining pits full of hilarious snakes.

"Thank you..."

"Langree Si-"

"Thank you, Langree, for bringing this Box here to me, you may go, I will keep the box as an example of the generosity of Unseen University-"

"I...But...Er..."

"Show Mr Langree out, will you Drumknott? He appears to be temporarily relieved of his sense of direction"


	3. Chapter 3 unfinished, first draft

Please note, obviously the correct HEX delimiter is 3 plus signs but for some reason I am not allowed to do that on here, so for one + read three +'s. Additionally, the prompt '))' should be triangular brackets, but again, limitations. Apologies. - thanks RotW.

* * *

"So, I just press the letter _here_ and it appears on the paper _there_?"

"that's about it Sir, yes." Said Carrot, feeling relieved. After two hours of attempting to explain what to even the simple mind of Carrot was easily comprehendible, he finally felt as though he had got through.

Vimes tapped at a few more keys, hunting and pecking in the usual manner of the amateur typist, and hit the send key a couple of times. Carrot glanced at the scribeout as the mechanical quill wrote, and sighed.

**_HEX-TERMUSR:S.VIMES)) Why?_**

**_+Because.+_**

**_HEX-TERMUSR:S.VIMES)) Help?_**

**_+No chance mate.+_**

**_HEX-TERMUSR:S.VIMES)) Are you an evil machine bent on world domination and unstoppable by man nor beast?_**

**_+COMMAND FUNCTION ERROR ANT LEAK TUBE SECTION 782G.6 CORE DUMP IN PROGRESS+_**

At that moment, a pile of ants came pouring out of the side of the machine, and into Vimes' conveniently placed cup of tea. Vimes looked at the cup, then at Carrot, then at the cup again. Then he got up, and with a shocked look from Carrot, poured the tea over the HEXBox. Blue smoke began to billow out, and Vimes picked up the whole box and dropped it out the window, where it smashed to pieces on the street below.

"That," Said Sam, to the shocked sergeant, "Is what I think of technology. There is something wrong with these things, and I am going to find out what. It's time to visit the University."

* * *

Lord Vetineri picked up the HEXBox, and walked over to the wall. After negotiating a hidden passage in a most unusual manner, he arrived at a door which he unlocked with the key from under the mat. Inside was Leonard of Quirm, currently standing on top of a platform installed 20ft up on the wall, and dropping ducks off the edge. attached to each duck was a small flower pot painted with a colour. each pot had a different colour and this had created, on the floor below, a mess of rainbow coloured pot dust and surprisingly intact ducks.

Lord Vetinari decided not to disturb what was obviously an in depth study, and instead left the box with a note on the table to 'evaluate and report'. When dealing with Leonard, there was no need to explain. Leonard didn't ever think to question, his mind was to preoccupied with thoughts that no normal person could comprehend.


	4. Chapter 4 unfinished, first draft

* * *

Hey folks, it's me again with the forth chapter in my little novelette, thanks to Liastra Lee for marking an alert on my story, causing me to finally get round to writing this chapter. Also I would appreciate as ever any creative criticism and if anyone has any better ideas on what the rating should be, although currently I believe K to be appropriate, then please let me know. Oh, and if you spot any spelling mistakes or grammatical errors I will be mortified so please let me know at once, I am OCD in this paticular area. Hope you enjoy the chapter and thanks for reading. - RotW.

* * *

Vimes was looking up, this was because he was laying on the floor, and _this_ was because he had just tried to side-step a troll that was guarding the entrance to the Unseen University.

Carrot, who had been standing behind Sir Samuel, stepped forward briskly to examine the fallen Duke.

"Sir? Are you all right Sir?"

"Carrot? What in Om's beard am I doing down here?"

"Well Sir," Carrot tried tactfully, "You asked Mr Jasper over there," He gestured to the troll, who nodded in return, "If he would be so kind as to let you into the university as you wanted to speak with the Archchancellor _vis-a-vis_ the recent arrival of 'HEXboxes' in the city of Ankh-Morpork and Mr Jasper," Another nod form the troll, "Politely declined your request on the grounds that Mr Dibbler had specifically requested that no one be let in without his express permission and then you politely advised Mr Jasper as to your opinion on _whereabouts_ Mr Dibbler should locate his sausages and attempted to side-step Mr Jasper, at which point Mr Jasper regrettably had to place you on the floor, where you now find yourself, Sir." Carrot saluted.

Hat off to the boy, thought Vimes, he can do diplomacy. "Right," Vimes said quietly, picking himself up off the floor and locking gazes with the troll once more, "Would you _please_ go and get Mr Dibbler, and bring him here. Now! And tell him it's the Watch. And if he still doesn't feel inclined to make an appearance, tell him we know where he gets the _meat_ for his _sausages_ from!" He shouted to the troll's back.

Unfortunately, this troll seemed to have an intelligence rating far above that of the average troll, and had had the forethought to shut and bolt(1) the gates before departing.

"How will you get Dibbler to cooperate when he does show up?" asked Carrot, as Vimes studied the gate intensively, "The University does not like visits by us at the best of times, and since we have no evidence there is anything unlawful going on, we can't exactly force our way in."

"Hah!" retorted Vimes, "Wherever CMOT Dibbler is evolved Carrot, something is bound to be crooked. Still," He turned to face Carrot, "I intend to move things along with the greatest of speed and so you shall stay here and confront Dibbler while I... go for a walk."

Vimes strode off round the corner, and while Carrot would never question Vimes on his plan, he had a suspicion it evolved some lose bricks.

* * *

(1)The key having been lost years ago.

* * *

High in the skies above Ankh-Morpork at that moment drifted a contraption fondly known to it's creator and pilot as 'a device for the levitation and conduction of passengers and goods by means of sudo-aviatorial methods' but to everyone else, including it's solitary passenger, as the Sky-Cat. The device in question is of dual-hulled construction and the average Joe would be forgiven for mistaking the Sky-Cat for a raft of some sort.. The main difference between this raft and others, of course, was that it could fly.

The science behind it, as was Lord Vetinari's understanding, was based on the known fact that buttered bread always lands face down. Additionally, cats must always land on their feet. Logically, therefore, if one was to gather twenty or so of these cats, suitably kitted out with a piece of buttered bread on their backs, attach them to rotatable shafts, and then attach those shafts to a platform, the unresolvability of the cat/butter complex would cause each member to cancel the gravity of the other out and the platform would not fall. Of course, in order to make the craft useful as a 'survey vehicle', it's designer had attached propellers to some of the shafts so that the craft could, by aid of numerous levers and a gear-box so complex in design that it had required it's own dimension to be created for it to exist in, be made to travel in whichever direction the pilot desired.

The only downside, thought Vetinari as he stuffed yet more cotton wool into his ears, was the noise.

Twenty cats did not like rotating in this manner and twenty-thousand seemed to be making this known in the loudest way possible.

After a further two minutes of wailing agony, Lord Vetinari gave up his post on deck, and moved into the sound-proofed bridge, closed the door and removed the cotton wool.

The pilot turned to him, "Approaching the Site now, my Lord," spoke Leonard Da Quirm, in that slightly nervous voice he always seemed to have when removed from his regular domicile in the Patrician's palace.

"Thank you Leonard," Replied the Patrician, "This new flying machine of yours is certainly going to be very useful in the future."

"Thank you Sir, but really it can only be used for transportation."

Lord Vetinari thought of the pigeon-guided missiles and other weapons Leonard had designed during his breakfast this morning, and felt a slight relief in knowing that Leonard was **his** prisoner.

They reached the Site.

The Patrician glanced out of the glass-fronted bridge and, for a second, Havelock's eyes shot wide open before his exemplary self-control reigned them in.

"Ah," he said, "It would seem events are developing as feared." He glanced down at the foreign-looking object in his hand, at the strange letters embossed upon it. Leonard had already decoded it for him. Although some of the characters were backwards, malformed or in the wrong order, the markings, according to Leonard, clearly read 'U.S AIRFORCE PART #84RPP928/63A5 – C'.


End file.
